


Wish I Could Stay

by giselleslash



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, Christmas, F/M, Family, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Holidays, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 01:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giselleslash/pseuds/giselleslash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin leads a very lonely life until a mugging and a misunderstanding accidentally throws him into the crazy world of the handsome bloke that comes to his coffee kiosk. (Based on the film, <i>While You Were Sleeping</i>.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wish I Could Stay

**Author's Note:**

> All my thanks and love to Nu_breed for the beta and Brit-pick.
> 
> This was written for the [reel_merlin](http://reel-merlin.livejournal.com/) fest on livejournal.

 

Merlin sighed as he flipped through the same issue of _Okay_ he had flipped through the day before. To say his job was monotonous would be an understatement. The same thing day after day and the only bright spot being the arrival of the 10:30 train and _him_.

The man with the hair and the gorgeous smile and the body made for worshipping, which Merlin would gladly do if given half the chance. He’d pray at the altar of Mr. Gorgeous. 

He didn’t come everyday, and Merlin never knew what day he’d show up, but whenever he did it was like a breath of fresh air blowing through his normally boring day. He always came to Merlin’s coffee kiosk and ordered a coffee, two sugars, with that smile of his that usually rendered Merlin entirely senseless. He never managed to say more than a mumbled, _’a’right’_ when the man ordered and a, _’you’re welcome,’_ when he offered up his thanks for the coffee. 

An entire year of conversations consisting of under ten words each, not exactly a solid base for a potential future relationship. Not that Merlin had imagined anything of the sort, of course not, there was no way he’d imagined years and years filled with Christmas dinners and a golden retriever. Nope, that didn’t happen. Because that would be pathetic. 

Really, really pathetic.

Instead Merlin was totally cool about the whole thing. He’d just let Mr. Gorgeous come swanning in, buy his coffee, and Merlin would smile at him and go home to his flat and his cat and be totally fine with it all.

No big deal.

Except it was. 

A huge deal, even. And Merlin didn’t particularly care if he was pathetic or not because Mr. Gorgeous was a lovely sort of dream. Merlin was full of dreams. They filled his days, and if he never got to actually live them out, that was okay. At least he had them in the first place. At least he still had the capacity to believe in the unattainable, in the wondrous unknown.

His mother had always told him he had his head in the clouds, but she said it with a smile and a gentle hand running through his hair because she was the same way. She had been practical for Merlin’s sake; in order to raise him, make sure he had a good meal on the table in front of him and a warm bed at night, but in her heart she was a dreamer. 

And she dreamed gloriously.

She’d made every minute of his childhood magical and he owed her nothing less than to keep that magic alive, and to dream even when it was foolish to do so. 

But yeah, so Mr. Gorgeous was hilariously out of his league, and he’d never been in love before, but he knew what it felt like to imagine it and the feeling was extraordinary. 

Merlin’s mother had made sure he believed in the beauty and grace of the ordinary, in the small, everyday things, because that’s where magic always seemed to be found. When you were least expecting it, and in the last place you ever thought to look.

~*~

Merlin heard a shout and looked up just as some kid in a hoodie grabbed Mr. Gorgeous’ phone out of his hand.

The kid didn’t get very far, Mr. Gorgeous grabbed him by his hoodie, but the kid threw a fist back and managed to get a lucky shot in that knocked Mr. Gorgeous to the ground. Merlin knew he let out a totally undignified squawking sort of noise as he ran out from behind his kiosk when he saw Mr. Gorgeous’ head slam back against the pavement. 

Merlin ignored the kid running off and went to Mr. Gorgeous’ side.

“Oh my God,” Merlin said as he dropped down to his knees. He gently shook Mr. Gorgeous’ shoulder, but his eyes stayed closed. “Wake up. You’re fine, okay? You’re fine.”

Merlin knew he was blubbering but the man was clearly knocked out cold and he had no idea what he should do about it other than fumble for his phone and call for an ambulance. He must have managed to make sense because the woman on the other end of the line assured him an ambulance was on its way. Merlin just sat by Mr. Gorgeous’ side and willed him to wake up. 

“Come on,” Merlin whispered. “I’d love to see that cheeky smile of yours. You know you’re gorgeous, don’t you? Probably the worst flirt in the world.”

Merlin smiled at him. Wouldn’t it be lovely if he _did_ wake up, and smiled back up at Merlin, fell for him right then and there, and they’d have the perfect story for all of their friends and family. They’d be that nauseating couple everyone else wants to hate, but doesn’t, because they’re just too damn likeable to do anything but be happy for them. 

Yeah. That’d be nice. 

When the paramedics showed up Merlin hurried to lock up the kiosk when they told him he could ride along to the hospital with them. He wasn’t planning on letting Gwaine--Merlin had gone digging for Mr. Gorgeous’ wallet when the paramedics had asked for his name--out of his sight if he could help it. 

At the hospital, though, they rushed Gwaine past him before he could say a thing as a nurse fired questions at him he couldn’t answer. He could only stand and watch as Gwaine disappeared through a set of doors. 

Merlin spent what felt like hours pacing back and forth in the waiting room as he was told again and again by the hospital staff that they couldn’t give him any information unless he was family. Finally, when a shift change brought a new nurse to the floor, Merlin crossed his fingers and hoped for the best when he approached her.

“I was wondering if you had any information on my fiance, Gwaine Ashford? He was brought in earlier this morning.”

The nurse gave him an, ‘oh, honey,’ look so Merlin knew he was in before she even said, “Hold on, I’ll check.” Merlin waited patiently until she looked up from the computer and asked, “Are you Percival Williams?”

Merlin shook his head. “No.”

“Oh, he’s listed as Mr. Ashford’s emergency contact. I just figured -”

“No, that’s not me.”

“Well he’s been contacted.”

“That’s fine,” Merlin said, “I just want to know how Gwaine is doing.”

“There’s not much listed here, but he’s in Room 317 if you want to sit with him and wait for the doctor.”

Merlin smiled at the nurse and thanked her. He hoped she didn’t get in trouble for his lie, but he just wanted to know if Gwaine was going to be okay. As long as he could look at him and see for himself that Gwaine was fine Merlin could leave and no one would ever need to be the wiser.

He found Gwaine still unconscious and hooked up to a machine monitoring his heart and other things Merlin didn’t have a clue about. When he sat down in the chair next to the bed he carefully took Gwaine’s hand in his and held it. Merlin felt like a bit of a creeper, but just having Gwaine’s hand warm in his own made him feel better. 

“Hey,” Merlin said. “I’m Merlin. Not that you’d know who I am or anything, you buy your coffee from me at the train station. You always get the 10:30 one, I remember that because it’s the highlight of my day.”

Merlin looked up at the monitors and back at Gwaine. He had no idea if what they always said was true, that Gwaine could hear him or not, but he felt like talking. 

“You know, it’s a lot easier to talk to you when you’re unconscious.” A small grin turned up the corner of Merlin’s mouth. God, he was such a knob. “Not that you need to know about my insecurities or anything. That’s rather embarrassing. I should probably stop talking now altogether.”

“Who are you?”

Merlin looked up at the question and saw a rather enormous man standing in the doorway of Gwaine’s room.

“Merlin. Who’re you?”

“Percival.”

 _Fuuuuck_. Emergency contact Percival. 

“Hello, I’m Elena,” said a voice from behind Percival. Merlin almost laughed when a head of crazy blonde hair popped around Percival’s side right before the rest of her gave him a good shove and squeezed past him into the room. “Are you a friend of Gwaine’s?”

“I’m -”

“That’s his fiance.”

Merlin froze when the nurse he’d lied to followed Elena into the room. 

Double _fuuuuuck_.

“His fiance? Hardly,” said the dark-haired woman that entered the room next dragging behind her a tall ginger bloke with a confused look on his face.

“Fiance?” the ginger bloke repeated.

“Yes, fiance, that’s what the woman said. Are you all deaf, for fuck’s sake?” said another woman making her way into the room as well.

Merlin wondered when the hospital hallway had turned into a clown car. 

“Now both the doctor and I told you there’s only two at a time, and Mr. Ashford’s fiance is already here so only one of you can stay,” the nurse said.

“Yes alright, darling, we’ll all scurry off in a bit,” the last woman to enter the room said as she gently pushed the nurse toward the door. Somehow she managed to get the nurse into the hall and the door closed without a single one of them having to actually leave the room but the nurse.

“Mithian, it’s hospital orders,” said Elena, “you really shouldn’t hoodwink the nurse.”

The woman--Mithian, Merlin assumed--waved her away. “Whatever. Like any of us were going anywhere.”

“Fiance?” the ginger bloke repeated once again. “I’m still confused here.”

“Well, Leon, if one looks up the word ‘fiance’ in the dictionary one can find out it means engaged to be married, so hopefully that clears up some of your confusion,” Mithian said.

Elena snorted back laughter as they all started talking at once. Merlin looked around him and decided he’d need a fucking big shovel for how deep he was getting.

Percival sat down next to him, the only quiet one in the bunch. He looked at Merlin and Merlin felt really really horrible all of sudden--even more than he had before--because Percival looked sad, and rather lost, and Merlin didn’t know why. He only knew he didn’t want to be the cause of it, but that he most likely was.

“You’re Gwaine’s fiance?” Percival asked. 

“Um. Yeah?”

“Merlin.”

“Yep, Merlin.”

“It’s just - He’s never said anything, he’s never mentioned -”

“It’s all been rather sudden,” Merlin said. 

“As if anything Gwaine does isn’t sudden. Or well thought out,” the dark-haired woman said, the rest of them were seemingly done with their argument and had turned their attention to Merlin and Percival.

“Morgana,” hissed Leon as he nodded in Merlin’s direction.

Morgana shrugged. “Sorry. I mean I’m sure you’re lovely, Merlin, but Gwaine isn’t what you’d call a thinker. Or a planner. Or a thoughtful human being.”

“Gwaine’s thoughtful,” Percival said.

“You would defend him, sweetheart. Even now.” Morgana looked at Percival like one would look at a kitten. Merlin was waiting for her to start petting him. 

“Um, look,” Merlin said as he stood up. “I think this has all been a horrible mix -”

“I think we’re all saying things right now that shouldn’t be said,” Elena interrupted Merlin. “Emotions are high, we’re worried about Gwaine, and things are just a bit wonky. We’ll get everything sorted and we’ll all feel much better.”

“You’re right, El,” Morgana said as she pushed Merlin back down into his chair. “Well, since you’re about to be family and all, and this one here in the bed isn’t waking up to do a proper introduction, we might as well just jump in. You’re coming over for Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow. Seven o’clock, though if you get there a few hours earlier to help we won’t send you away.”

“And you needn’t bring anything. We have the food all sorted and everything. We’ll eat till we vom,” Elena said happily.

“Okay?” Merlin had no idea what was happening.

“El, nobody but you thinks that’s a good thing,” Mithian said. 

“Aww, Perce does. Don’t you, Perce?” Elena said as she leaned over Percival and gave him a mixture of a hug and a noogie. 

“I’d prefer not to vomit, thanks,” Leon said from the corner where he was playing with his phone.

“Helpful as always, love,” Morgana said. 

“Did you hear that, Gwaine. Vomiting!” Mithian shouted at the bed as she shook Gwaine’s arm. Merlin started to get up from his chair as he reached out to push her hand away from his arm and tell her she shouldn’t jostle Gwaine about, but Mithian frowned and let go all on her own. “I thought maybe if I shouted he’d wake up. He always loves a good shout.”

Elena went over to Mithian’s side and wrapped her arms around her. She whispered something in Mithian’s ear that made a small smile return to her face as she turned her head to give Elena a kiss. 

Merlin noticed Morgana giving Mithian and Elena a fond smile, but as quickly as it appeared it left when she focused her attention back on Gwaine. 

“You stupid cock-up,” she whispered under her breath as she gave Gwaine’s feet a nudge with the giant handbag she was holding. Leon--who Merlin thought was paying zero attention to anything going on in the room around him--got up and walked over to stand behind Morgana. He propped his chin on top of her head and dropped his arms over her shoulders. 

“He’ll be fine. Stop worrying, you old cow,” Leon said.

Merlin expected Leon to get a slap but Morgana just sighed and nestled back against him. 

“Hey, give me your mobile,” Elena said as she snapped her fingers and reached across Gwaine towards Merlin. “We need your number, and you need ours.”

Merlin wordlessly handed over his phone. He didn’t know what else to do. Elena grabbed it and started typing away on it. 

“There,” she said as she handed it back to Merlin. “I’ve put all five of us in, and Arthur too.”

“Christ, Arthur,” Mithian said. “He’s going to be right pissed at Gwaine for cracking his damn head open.”

“He didn’t crack it open, did he?” Merlin asked frantically, not even realising how much of an idiot he sounded for even asking such a thing.

“Of course he didn’t, sweetie, the doctor said he’d be fine,” Morgana said. “Mith just likes to be dramatic.”

Merlin bit his lip and looked up at all of them. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “Dumb question.”

They all had the good grace to ignore Merlin and then it was just a flurry of words and a gathering of hats, gloves, coats, and handbags after which Merlin was hugged and kissed by Elena, Mithian, and Morgana, slapped on the back by Leon, and nodded at by Percival. 

And then suddenly they were all gone and Merlin was left alone again; clutching his mobile which was filled with all of their numbers, as well as the mysteriously absent Arthur’s. 

All he could do was wonder if Elena noticed in all of her fiddlings with his phone that the one number he was lacking was Gwaine’s.

~*~

Merlin closed his door behind him and dropped his keys in the dish he kept on the little table in his cramped entry. At the sound of the keys hitting the dish a meow came from his lounge.

“Hello my little munchkin,” Merlin called out. He grinned when a fluffy head peeked around the corner and looked at him like, ‘where the hell have you been all day?’

“Daddy’s been gone all day lying through his teeth,” Merlin said as he picked the cat up and gave her a cuddle. “Aren’t you embarrassed and appalled on his behalf?”

Merlin carried Lucy with him to the couch and sank down in exhaustion. He had no idea why he’d kept lying to Gwaine’s family. Yeah, they had overwhelmed him and hardly let him get a word in edgewise, but he could have very easily stopped them all and told them the truth. It would’ve been hellaciously embarrassing and awkward, but still, that was no excuse.

Merlin stroked Lucy as she purred contentedly in his lap. So ridiculously easy to please, and in love with him even though he was currently the world’s worst human being. He squirmed a bit and lifted up his hip so he could dig his phone out of his pocket. He scrolled through the numbers until he came to Morgana’s--she seemed to be the one to call, although Elena probably would’ve been easier. 

Merlin’s thumb hovered over the call button, but just couldn’t make it push down.

Maybe a text instead -

A quick text that would probably confuse them all but would prevent Merlin from actually, physically, having to talk to any of them, and that’s it. He’d delete all of their numbers and never think about it again. He’d just be this weird fleeting memory in their minds whenever they thought about the time Gwaine got himself knocked out by a sixteen year old kid. 

But as Merlin stared at his phone he thought about the frozen dinners in his freezer, and the fact that he had no one to call and wish a, ‘Happy Christmas’, and no one that would call him to do the same. All he had was another night alone with Lucy watching _It’s a Wonderful Life_ and _White Christmas_ and eating microwaved curry. 

Merlin jumped when his phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Merlin! It’s Elena. From the hospital? We met over an inert Welshman with a questionable attachment to his beard.”

Merlin laughed. “Yes, I remember.”

“Brilliant. Well I called because I realised we never asked you if you had any food allergies or if you’re a vegetarian--which, if you are, don’t say anything to Arthur about that, he has strange and troubling ideas about meat. Don’t ask, I don’t even know. He’s a giant weirdo--that you can tell him though, I don’t care if he knows that bit. Although I’m pretty sure he already does cause I’ve told him enough times.”

“Okay -” Merlin didn’t know what else to say to that.

“So, are you?” Elena asked.

“Am I what?”

“A veggie only sort of bloke...or an allergic one?”

“Um. No. I’m neither.”

“Thank God, cause I think Mith would’ve had a fit otherwise. She’s doing the turkey and for some reason she takes it really personally if people don’t eat her food--it’s a wonder I don’t weigh like thirty stone--but as long as you’re ready and willing to eat an obscene amount of turkey all should be well.”

“I can eat a lot of turkey,” Merlin said inanely.

“You’re a doll. We’ll see you tomorrow then, won’t we?”

“Ah, sure.”

“And before seven because that was just a time, we all know the good stuff’ll happen before that and you’ll want to be there for it. Leon and Mithian fight in the kitchen, it’s amazing. Morgana and I sit and watch, you’ll definitely want to join.”

“It sounds...fun?”

“It really is, you have no idea. Percival had to restrain Mith last year, and Arthur had to sit on Leon. It was pretty much the best ever. Let’s hope for something similar this year, yeah?”

“Fingers crossed,” Merlin said and realised his face was stretched into the most enormous grin even though he didn’t have a clue what was happening.

“Fingers and toes,” Elena said. “See you tomorrow, Merlin!”

And just like that Merlin was holding his phone in his hand and wondering if he couldn’t hold off just one more day on telling the truth.

~*~

Merlin couldn’t believe the size of the house in front of him when he stepped out of the cab. Not that the address Elena had texted him earlier that morning hadn’t already clued him in that he was far from home and his damp little flat in Bermondsey.

Merlin clutched the bottle of wine he’d picked up at the corner market to his chest as he made his way up the steps to the front door. Next to the door he saw a row of buzzers and realised it wasn’t one enormous family home, but was divided up into several flats. He took a guess and pressed the button next to Mithian and Elena’s names. 

“Hellooooooooo.”

“Ehm, hey. It’s Merlin.”

“Merlin! You’re early, just like I told you. Well done.” Elena’s voice was chipper and probably laced with a bit of drink as well. It made Merlin smile. “Come on in. Up the stairs and on the left.”

When he got inside and up the stairs Merlin didn’t even have time to knock on the door before it was whipped open by Elena and he was dragged inside fairly violently. 

“Merlin’s here!” Elena shouted to the room at large.

Everyone from the hospital was there and they all crowded in and passed him around for hugs, Merlin just smiled and let them. When they were done Morgana dragged him over to a blond guy that had been standing off to the side holding a beer and looking amused--and really fucking gorgeous.

“This is my idiot brother, Arthur,” Morgana said as she pointed at him.

“Lovely,” Arthur said as he rolled his eyes, but he stretched out a hand to Merlin.

“I’m Merlin,” Merlin said as he shook Arthur’s hand.

“So I’ve heard. And Gwaine’s fiance too.”

“Um. Yeah. That’d be me.” Merlin could feel himself flushing red.

“Surprised us all mightily, I can tell you that.”

“Well, you know Gwaine,” Merlin said, hoping that was the right thing to say.

“Yeah, we do,” Arthur said and Merlin thought he heard a tone to Arthur’s response that he didn’t really want to examine closer.

“Alright,” Elena said as she pulled Merlin toward the kitchen, “I’ve already told Arthur you’re prepared to help him hold down either Leon or my wife, depending on who you’re closest to at the time of impact.”

“Impact?”

“Mithian flew at Leon one year like a flying squirrel. It was pretty amazing,” Arthur said from behind Merlin.

Merlin looked back over his shoulder at him. “Really? A flying squirrel?”

“Yes. A flying squirrel.” Arthur nodded solemnly and Merlin burst out laughing. 

“Okay,” he said as he kept laughing when Arthur grinned at him.

“So. Be on the lookout,” Elena said and made weird little claws with her hands. “Flying squirrel.”

Arthur’s forehead scrunched up when he saw Elena making her claw hands. “That apparently has rabies?”

“Oh, shut up.” Elena smacked the back of her hand against Arthur’s chest and he just grinned at her.

Merlin let them keep going back and forth as he took a seat at the small table that was pushed into the breakfast nook of the kitchen. He just wanted to watch them all from his relatively quiet corner. 

He didn’t end up having to tackle any flying squirrels as Mithian and Leon managed to make dinner without coming to actual blows--although their banter was fairly impressive. Merlin was amazed that someone as sweet looking as Mithian could have such a foul vocabulary. 

When they gathered around the table to eat Merlin found himself next to Arthur, who had been giving him looks ever since Merlin had arrived. Arthur wasn’t saying anything outright but Merlin knew he had questions. 

It made Merlin anxious. 

But it also made him feel strangely warm too, a bit electrified. He’d never been looked at so closely by anyone before, and there was something beyond Arthur’s curiosity as well. Sometimes it felt like Arthur was looking at him simply because he _wanted_ to, and it was those looks that made Merlin feel slightly thrilled in a way. 

Arthur seemed to realise rather quickly that Merlin wasn’t the rowdy sort, so when the table conversation started to get too loud or out of control Arthur would lean closer to Merlin and start talking to him quietly--distracting him from all the chaos around them. Merlin found it surprisingly sweet.

Things got awkward whenever talk turned to Gwaine. Merlin tried to sound confident in his lies and hoped everything he said sounded plausible. He didn’t want to make it glaringly obvious that he knew absolutely nothing about Gwaine other than his coffee order and the time he caught his train in the morning. 

Merlin was assured though that Gwaine’s medical outlook was positive. The doctor seemed to believe there was no lasting damage even though Gwaine still hadn’t shown any signs of waking up. Merlin wasn’t sure how that was possible--shouldn’t someone who was fine wake up? But he took the positivity of all the people around him and tried to instill it in himself. They were the people that knew Gwaine best anyway, if they thought he was going to pull through right as rain, then Merlin would too. 

After dinner they moved things into Elena and Mithian’s lounge where there was a tree with gifts piled high underneath. 

“We always open one each on Christmas Eve,” Arthur said to Merlin when he sat down next to him on the couch. “Leon made up some excuse to justify it, but really it’s because we’re all impatient six year olds at heart.”

Merlin smiled. “Makes perfect sense to me.”

Arthur smiled back and looked like he was about to say something but was interrupted by Mithian dropping a gift in both their laps. Merlin picked up his gift and looked at Mithian in confusion.

“For me?”

Mithian leaned over and whispered, “We made sure to let Father Christmas know you’d be here tonight so he’d be able to drop it off a bit early.”

“But I didn’t bring anything for you,” Merlin said as he held the gift in his hands like it was made of glass.

“You brought yourself,” Elena said from the floor where she was sitting near Merlin’s feet. 

“Elena’s our sentimental fool, in case you couldn’t tell,” Morgana said. “We try not to hold it against her.”

“And we try not to hold it against Morgana that she’s a cow.” Elena smiled sweetly at Morgana who only laughed at Elena’s insult.

“ _I_ hold it against her,” Arthur muttered.

“Shut up, Arthur,” Morgana said. 

Merlin wasn’t paying a bit of attention to Morgana and Arthur’s bickering, he was too busy staring at the small gift in his hand. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d received a Christmas gift from anyone other than his mum--and it had been four years since he’d received one of those. 

“You don’t even know me,” Merlin said quietly. 

The tone of his voice must have managed to cut through the din despite its quietness because Percival answered him from across the room.

“Gwaine knows you,” Percival said just as quietly. “And that means you’re one of us.”

Merlin felt like crying all of a sudden. It was ridiculous, but he’d never been so welcomed before--so freely and unconditionally. And it was all a lie. A horrible, selfish lie on Merlin’s part. He was just about to say so, he could hardly bear what he was doing to them--especially to Percival, who seemed to be closer to Gwaine than any of the rest of them if Merlin’s suspicions were true--but right before he opened his mouth to speak he felt Arthur’s hand warm on his knee.

“Are you okay?” Arthur’s voice was so kind Merlin almost burst into tears at the sound of it.

“I’m fine, really,” Merlin assured him. “I just- I don’t have any family. It’s nice to feel like I do again.”

The girls looked at him with such sad faces that Merlin felt a bit like a wet, lost puppy. 

“But time for gifts, yeah?” Merlin said as he lifted his own up and smiled. “I can’t believe we’ve waited this long.”

“Hear hear,” Leon said as he started tearing into his.

“Yeah, he’s the one that pretends like he doesn’t care about opening presents but who’s always the first one to dive in.” Morgana rolled her eyes at Leon but laughed when Leon just shrugged in response.

“I am a man of simple pleasures--opening gifts is one of them--don’t take that away from me,” he said solemnly.

“He lives with you, Morgana. Let him have this one joy,” Arthur said. 

Morgana gave him the two-fingered salute and Arthur laughed; loud and joyful, and for a moment Merlin was transfixed. The way Arthur threw his head back with careless abandon, the curve of his neck, the richness of his laughter--it all held Merlin in its thrall for a second or two before he realised he was staring. He could feel himself blush and he hoped no one noticed. 

After Leon was done opening his gift: a book on Vikings that looked boring as hell, but seemed to excite Leon an inordinate amount--at least more than Merlin thought the book warranted--they took turns opening up their gifts. Morgana got a necklace, Percival and Elena got tickets to a football game, and Mithian got an apron with a naked woman’s body on it. _’Obviously this is from that dickhead, Gwaine. Damn him, I wish he were here.’_

Things got sober for a bit after that as they all thought about Gwaine; but then, one by one, they started listing the crap gifts he’d given them in years past and soon they were laughing again.

“We should all go to the hospital to visit him,” Percival said.

“Visiting hours are over, I doubt they’d let us in,” Leon said.

Morgana added, “Definitely not all of us together.”

“Fuck it,” Elena said. “Let’s try it anyway.”

After they agreed to give it a shot Mithian ordered Arthur to open his gift so they could get going. His gift was some sort of tool that Merlin had no clue what on earth it did. Arthur had shrugged and said, _’I’m a woodworker. I make furniture and a few other things here and there. They always get me tools; usually ones I can’t use, but I don’t tell them that.’_ Merlin grinned when Morgana threw her balled up wrapping paper at Arthur’s head.

“Open yours up, Merlin,” Elena said once Arthur had whipped the paper ball back at Morgana. 

Merlin smiled and tore open the wrapping paper, inside was a red and white knitted hat.

“Mith stayed up half the night making it.” Elena said, clearly impressed with Mithian’s dedication.

“I thought it’d match the red scarf you were wearing at the hospital. It looked a bit tattered so I figured it was your favorite,” Mithian said.

“It is. My mum made it for me ages ago, and this is perfect,” Merlin said as he pulled the hat down over his head.

“You should’ve put a little pompom nubby thingie on top,” Leon said. “He’d look like Where’s Waldo.”

Morgana laughed. “Oh God, we could put those awful glasses of Arthur’s on him. He’d look perfect.”

“Perce, do you still have that red and white stripey shirt Gwaine always makes fun of you for wearing?” Mithian asked. “Go get it so we can put it on him.”

“Honestly,” Arthur said as he stood up from the couch and reached out a hand to Merlin to pull him up as well. “He’s not your dress up doll.”

“But he’s so cute,” Elena protested.

“I said no,” Arthur said as sternly as he could muster before laughing. “Come on Merlin, I’ll save you.”

“Simply running for the door won’t save him,” Morgana called out to them.

“I think it will,” Arthur shouted over his shoulder as he dragged Merlin out the door and into the hallway.

Merlin laughed. “I think she’s right. I doubt this will actually work.”

Arthur waved at the closed door. “Never mind them. How do you feel about walking?”

“I love it?”

“You don’t sound very sure.”

“Well, it was an odd segue.”

Arthur laughed. “Just figured we’d walk to the hospital instead of being trapped in Perce’s miniscule car. Honestly, it’s the most ridiculous thing in the world. I barely fit in his car and there Perce is--driving it around, happy as a clam. He looks idiotic.”

“Unless it’s a clown car I don’t think we’d all fit in it anyway,” Merlin said.

“Oh, you’d be surprised.” When Merlin gave Arthur a look of disbelief Arthur said, “Let’s just say I’ve spent far too much of my life on Leon’s lap and leave it at that.”

Merlin snorted out a laugh. 

“What?” Arthur smiled at him.

“Why is it that _you_ end up on Leon’s lap and not Morgana?”

“Leon carries a torch for me. He always has. Morgana’s learned to live with it but we don’t like talking about it.”

“Oh, I believe it,” Merlin said. “I saw the look in his eyes whenever he looked at you. Pure longing.”

Arthur laughed one of his amazing laughs and Merlin said:

“Yeah, let’s walk.”

~*~

After Arthur had run up to his flat to grab his jacket, scarf, and gloves they headed off in the direction of the hospital.

“You do realise it’ll take us hours to get there, right?” Merlin asked.

Arthur shrugged. “It’ll give the rest of them a chance to see Gwaine and then we’ll have him to ourselves.” Arthur paused for a bit before adding, “Or I can make myself scarce and you can have him to yourself. I know you’d probably prefer that.”

“No, it’s fine,” Merlin said. “You can come in with me. He’s your friend, I wouldn’t want you to feel unwelcome.”

“Well, if it’s okay with you.” They walked awhile before Arthur spoke again. “I guess it’s just strange to me--the situation. Gwaine’s never been one for commitment so I’m not quite sure how to do this whole ‘getting-to-know-the-fiance’ thing.”

“Yeah, it’s awkward,” Merlin agreed, glad for the darkness hiding his blush of embarrassment. “I don’t want it to be though. You’ve all been so welcoming. You’ve gone above and beyond, to be honest. I wasn’t expecting it.” Merlin pulled down on his new cap and felt more than physical warmth. 

“It looks good on you. Not Waldo-ish at all.”

Merlin laughed. “I think that’s the nicest compliment I’ve ever gotten.”

“Well one always hopes to be not Waldo-ish, so -”

Merlin shook his head and chuckled a bit again. “Thanks.”

The night was quiet as they walked and Merlin found the silence between them comfortable rather than awkward. Merlin had never really known how to easily talk with people so it was nice to just be quiet with someone. He took the time to enjoy the decorations adorning the massive homes they were walking past, and the brief glimpses into Christmas Eve celebrations they could see through open windows.

“These houses are massive,” Merlin said when they passed a particularly grand one. “I think my entire flat could fit in the entry of one of them.”

“They’re too ostentatious, most of them,” Arthur said. “I think I’d prefer your little flat.”

“Says the man that lives in one of these.”

“I know, I know.”

“I almost didn’t knock on the door I was so intimidated. It wasn’t until I realised it was broken up into flats that I felt a bit less anxious.”

Merlin realised his mistake as he was finishing his sentence but by then it was too late to shove the words back in his mouth.

“But surely you’ve been over to Gwaine’s before, right?” Arthur asked.

“Um.” Merlin knew he couldn’t very well hum his way through an explanation, but he didn’t know what to say. “Well, like I told the others--it was all a bit of a whirlwind affair, type, thing, and he’s really only ever been over to mine. So -”

“I guess that’d explain none of us having met you, especially Perce.”

“Uh, yeah. I guess it would?”

“Your answers to questions always seem like questions themselves.” Arthur laughed a little in amusement.

“I have a gift.”

Arthur smiled. “You could call it that.”

“I suppose?”

When Arthur noticed what Merlin had said he threw his head back and laughed, the way he had back at Elena and Mithian’s, and Merlin found his mouth spreading into the goofiest of grins in response. Arthur’s laugh was so infectious that Merlin snorted out a quick laugh of his own that trickled off along with Arthur’s.

“You know our place was one of those massive homes too,” Arthur said after he reined in his laughter. “It was mine and Morgana’s family home.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Morgana and I grew up in that monstrosity. Rattling around there with our nanny and the house staff while our father was always gone for work.”

“Of course you had a nanny.”

“Of course.” Arthur smiled at Merlin and it was the sweetest, most self-deprecating smile that Merlin had to knock shoulders with Arthur and smile back.

“So how was it that it ended up full of flats, and you a lumberjack?”

“Woodworker, Merlin, not a lumberjack.”

“Whatever. Same thing.”

“Hardly, but I’ll let it slide.” Arthur laughed quietly and knocked Merlin’s shoulder back when Merlin muttered, _’So magnanimous,’_ under his breath. “Anyway,” Arthur continued, “it’s a rather complicated and sad tale. Not really good for a lovely late night walk on Christmas Eve.”

“Tell me anyway,” Merlin said because he found he wanted to know, complicated and sad or not.

“I guess it’s not really that complicated, it only felt that way while it was happening. I worked for my father’s company because that’s what I thought was expected of me. I resented him and hated it every step of the way. I hated the life he wanted for me, and the empty home he left Morgana and I in, so when he passed away three years ago I quit my job and spent a year converting the house into flats. I had no idea why I was doing it until I started asking all of my friends if they’d maybe want to move in. I realised I was making my own version of a family home--it just wasn’t the one my father had planned for me.”

Merlin stopped walking and Arthur took a few more steps before he realised Merlin had done so. When he stopped as well and turned back to look at Merlin he asked, “What?” in an almost shy, embarrassed sort of way.

“I think that’s amazing,” Merlin said. He couldn’t actually find the proper words, the ones that would say what he really meant, but he figured amazing pretty well covered it.

“Honestly?” Arthur’s uncertainty turned into a small, happy grin.

“I do,” Merlin said. “You’ve made a family for yourself. I think it’s extraordinary.”

“I think I was lonely without even realizing it. I mean, I had Morgana, but I’ve never really had a family--or at least one that I wanted.”

Merlin looked at Arthur, he couldn’t believe he had ever been lonely--at least not like Merlin had been--but there were all kinds of lonely in the world. Something settled in Merlin’s chest and he felt like he found a kindred spirit in Arthur somehow. It was strange, but Merlin thought they were maybe more alike than he’d ever imagined they’d be.

“I get that--about being lonely,” Merlin said. “I haven’t really had anyone since my mum died.”

“I thought maybe - But I didn’t want to say anything. You just seemed sad when you mentioned her tonight.”

“It’s been four years but sometimes it feels like four days, you know? And we moved a lot, when I was young, so I never really had many friends--at least none that I’d call family. Which is why,” Merlin stopped to gather his thoughts a bit, he could feel his voice getting a bit strained. “Which is why I was so moved by being asked to spend Christmas Eve with all of you.”

“We were happy to have you, Merlin, you must know that.”

“But why? There’s no reason for all of you to be as kind as you are, you don’t even know me. All of sudden I just appear out of nowhere--don’t you think that’s a little weird? How can you be so welcoming?”

“Yeah, it is weird,” Arthur agreed. “But you know Gwaine, weird is the norm with him. Besides, the rest of us aren’t exactly normal, well-adjusted people either.”

Merlin took a step closer to Arthur. “But I might have been an axe murderer! How could you have known I wouldn’t chop you all up in your sleep?”

“Well, it was a chance we just had to take. We like to live dangerously.” 

Merlin laughed. “Try to remember that when I kill you all horrifically.”

“It’s been duly noted,” Arthur said solemnly before grinning at Merlin.

Arthur tugged at Merlin’s elbow and they started walking again. 

“It’ll be midnight before we get there,” Merlin said. “They’ll never let us in.”

“Oh ye of little faith. Haven’t you ever broken into anything?”

“Since I’m not a professional thief, no.”

“Boring, Merlin. Boring. You have to take a risk.”

“Living dangerously, right?”

“Exactly. And I’ve got a plan: it involves you being in labour and there being no room at the inn. How do you feel about your acting skills?”

Merlin laughed until he nearly cried, and it didn’t help when Arthur started huffing and puffing next to him and telling him to, _’Breathe, Merlin. Breathe.’_

~*~

Merlin woke up the next morning with a smile on his face just remembering how much he and Arthur had laughed the night before. They’d ended up sneaking into the hospital, albeit very unsuccessfully, but the nurse on duty had taken pity on them and had let them go.

They’d sat on opposite sides of Gwaine’s bed and talked to him, although Arthur had done most of the talking at first and Merlin had done a lot of watching Arthur talk. He knew he’d been doing it but he couldn’t stop himself. Arthur had been telling Gwaine what had happened at dinner and that Mithian and Leon managed to make it through dinner preparations without killing one another. All Merlin had been able to do was smile at him and his easy way with Gwaine. 

Arthur had left Merlin alone on the pretense of going to the toilet but Merlin hadn’t known what to say to Gwaine other than to apologise and promise him he’d tell them all the truth. Soon. 

“I swear I will. I know I’m probably the worst person in the world.” Merlin had reached out and took Gwaine’s hand in his own. “But they’re all so wonderful--which you already know--but they are. They’re kind of crazy too, but that just makes them extra wonderful. I mean, don’t you think so too?”

The beeping of machines had been the only answer he’d gotten. Merlin had looked down at Gwaine’s hand and run his index finger along each of Gwaine’s, wondering at the strange turns life took.

“I just really wanted to thank you,” Merlin’d said. “I know if you knew what I was doing you’d want anything but my thanks, and once you do know you’ll want to forget all of this as quickly as possible. But I just wanted you to know - I just wanted you to know that you gave someone very lonely a very happy Christmas.”

After that he’d just sat quietly until Arthur came back to get him and they left the hospital. 

Merlin hadn’t been lying when he had told Gwaine he’d tell his friends the truth, but when Arthur phoned Percival to ask him to pick the two of them up at the hospital and drop Merlin home, Arthur’d asked Merlin if he wanted to come back over the day after Christmas. Merlin had readily agreed and suddenly the thought of telling Arthur about the truth of the matter wasn’t at the top of his list.

Merlin’s phone beeped and he reached over to his nightstand for it.

_Happy Xmas. - A_

Merlin smiled as he typed.

_same to u_

_I’m sitting at my uncle’s house. He’s asking about my sex life. Very distressing._

Merlin snorted.

_tell him things he doesnt want to hear_

_I’m trying, but apparently he’s more pervy than I thought. Gross._

_these are prob things i dont want to know about yr uncle_

_But you’re going to hear them._

_lucky me_

_Shut-up. You’re the LUCKIEST. ;-)_

_that winky face made it all better thnx_

_I knew it would._

_youre actually the worst_

_Aw. I like you too, Merlin._

_go tell yr uncle more of yr filthy sexual perversions and leave me alone_

_You’re missing out. I can text you our convo._

_go away_

_Ha. I know you don’t mean it but I’ll go anyway. Consider it my Xmas pressie. See you tom._

_see u_

Merlin turned over in bed and pulled Lucy to his chest. She meowed in protest but settled back in for a cuddle once Merlin pulled the duvet over the both of them.

“Happy Christmas, Luce,” Merlin whispered into her fur. 

And for the first time in a long line of lonely Christmases it felt like it actually was.

~*~

Merlin finally got out of bed and showered and dressed a few hours later. He’d spent the time reading and trying not to will his phone into bringing him another text from Arthur. It was silly, Arthur had already told him he’d see him tomorrow which was a pretty good indication it was the end of their conversation, but Merlin still held onto a bit of hope that Arthur would feel the need to tell him inappropriate things about his uncle. The mention of it had made Arthur far too giddy before.

But, unfortunately, no texts arrived and Merlin decided he ought to get himself out of bed and get on with his day. 

He opened the few small gifts that were under his tree; all but one were for Lucy, and all of them purchased by Merlin. He knew he was a bit of a tragedy buying gifts for his cat, and only his cat, but Merlin couldn’t resist spoiling her a little. And it was the only way he’d celebrated Christmas for four years, it was tradition at this point. 

When Merlin opened up the one gift that wasn’t for Lucy he got embarrassingly excited. He knew what it was, he’d bought it for himself after all, but the intense nerdy excitement bubbled over as he unwrapped the paper. He’d been saving up a little bit here and there all year to buy himself an iPad and now he could finally use it. Of course he knew he could’ve used it two weeks ago when he’d bought it, but it just seemed wrong somehow. 

“Look, Luce,” he said as he shoved the box in Lucy’s face. She seemed wholly unimpressed but Merlin laughed anyway. “I know you’re excited as I am, but I’ll let you play cool and aloof.”

He spent most of the afternoon sitting on his couch playing with his new toy as Lucy continued to be unimpressed, but when Merlin noticed it was nearly four he decided to get out of his flat and go visit Gwaine. 

Merlin knew he didn’t really have a reason for seeing Gwaine but it was Christmas after all and Arthur had told him everyone was scattering to the four winds to visit their families (well, their biological ones at least) so he assumed Gwaine would be a bit lonely himself. 

Merlin might also have been harboring a secret hope for a Christmas miracle involving Gwaine waking up and magically solving Merlin’s problems by being totally understanding about the whole ‘lying to his friends and family’ business and inviting Merlin to live with him and be a part of them all forever. That wouldn’t be too much to ask for, surely.

When Merlin got to the hospital he was surprised to find Percival already there. Merlin stopped just outside Gwaine’s open doorway and watched. Percival was playing cards with Gwaine and had no idea Merlin was even there. 

“You’ve got a shite hand this round, mate,” Percival said as he picked up the pile in front of Gwaine and gave them a look before laying down a card and going back to his own hand.

“Mum and Dad called from their cruise this morning, although it had to have been the middle of the night for them. I don’t even want to know why they were up that late.” Percival stopped talking and looked up at Gwaine. “You know, now’s the time for you to wake up and make an inappropriate comment about my mum like you always do. I know you think it’s funny but one day you’re going to get yourself a slap.”

When Gwaine didn’t respond Percival sighed and went back to their card game. 

“It should be noted that perving on my mum is never an option. Ever. I know we’ve had this conversation before but it never seems to sink in. I thought maybe it would subconsciously now, or something, and I wouldn’t have to disown you.”

Merlin smiled. From all of the stories he’d heard about Gwaine, and the easy way he’d always had with Merlin whenever they’d talk, it didn’t exactly make it difficult to believe he was a born flirt. No one was safe with him, apparently. Merlin leaned his shoulder against the doorway and watched Percival finish up the hand of whatever card game they were playing. He was just about to make his presence known when Percival reached over and brushed the backs of his fingers along Gwaine’s jaw. 

“Just wake up, okay,” Percival whispered. “I miss you.”

Merlin felt his face flame with heat. He was obviously spying on a very intimate moment and he was horribly embarrassed. He moved out of the doorway so he could no longer see Gwaine and Percival. He clenched his hat and scarf he was holding and closed his eyes. Of course.

Of course.

He’d thought he’d seen it before, but now it was glaringly obvious. 

Percival was arse over tit for Gwaine. 

And Merlin was coming between that. 

He had no idea if Gwaine returned Percival’s feelings or not, but Merlin knew what it was like to want someone he couldn’t have and he didn’t want Percival to have to feel that way on his account.

He was going to tell him. He was.

Merlin took a deep breath and stepped into Gwaine’s room.

“Hey,” he said to let Percival know he was there.

“Oh. Hi.” Percival smiled up at him. And God, could he have been any nicer? Smiling and making nice with Merlin even though he was a source of obvious heartbreak and the belief that Gwaine had kept something so important in his life a secret from him. 

“I didn’t mean to interrupt, but -”

“No, no. You didn’t,” Percival said as he started to get up. “I was just leaving.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Merlin said. “In fact, don’t, I want you to stay. There’s something I have to tell -”

“No, I’ll leave,” Percival interrupted him and Merlin suspected he wasn’t even paying attention to what Merlin had been saying. “I’ll give you some time alone with him.”

Merlin grabbed at Percival’s arm as he nearly ran past him out the door, but Percival muttered something about being late already and then he was gone before Merlin could say more. He didn’t exactly want to run shouting after him down the hallway so he walked over to the chair Percival had just vacated and dropped down into it.

Merlin leaned forward and ran his hands through his hair and groaned. 

“Fuck. I’ve bollocksed this all up, haven’t I?”

Merlin pulled out his phone and fired off a text to Percival. He hoped he’d respond and they could get everything sorted.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said as he looked over at Gwaine. “I know I apologised last night but I think it bears repeating.”

Merlin pulled his chair closer to Gwaine’s bed.

“I had no idea everything would get so out of hand. I just wanted to find out how you were doing, and then your friends were so nice I just - Like I said before,I don’t have anyone like that in my life. And I wanted that--if only for a night.”

Merlin watched Gwaine and willed some of his words to make it through so when he finally did wake up he maybe wouldn’t hate Merlin so much.

“I was going to say something last night, but there was Arthur and - “ Merlin stopped.

And there was Arthur.

“Fuuuuck. I think I might like Arthur. I really do. And that’s crazy, flat-out certifiable crazy. This all started because of you and your stupid hotness and now after a day I think I like Arthur. A day! Who does that? Who’s that crazy? I mean it wasn’t like I was in love with you, but I was certainly hoping for a good shag, and now because of a really nice walk and a handful of really dumb texts I’m tossing you over for your mate while you’re just lying here. In a hospital. On Christmas. I’m pretty sure I need some sort of therapy, don’t you think?”

Merlin stared at Gwaine like he expected him to answer.

“And now I’m shouting at a person in a coma.”

Merlin got up from his chair and wrapped his scarf around his neck.

“I’ve got to go. I’m shouting at you like a crazy person and none of it is your fault and I’ve got to go.”

Merlin made a similar exit to Percival’s and all but ran to the lifts. When he was inside he frantically pushed at the ground floor button as if the first seven times he’d done it hadn’t worked. But he just needed to get out of the hospital so he could clear his head and figure out what he was going to do.

~*~

Merlin ended up having a very fraught and overexcited one-sided conversation with Lucy when he got home. He kept trying to get a hold of Percival but he’d either turned his phone off or he was ignoring Merlin’s calls. Merlin wouldn’t blame him either way.

He woke up the next morning with a headache like he’d drunk his weight in alcohol the night before. He only wished he’d had that as an excuse. He felt like pulling the duvet over his head and never ever coming out again. But Arthur was expecting him and he hoped he’d see Percival and could get the whole thing straightened out.

~*~

Arthur answered the door wearing an old flannel shirt and a pair of jeans that did amazing things to his arse and Merlin was tempted just to fall on him and beg him for his forgiveness right then and there. But before he could Arthur grabbed a couple mugs of tea in one hand and tugged on Merlin’s arm with the other to follow him.

Arthur led him out back to where there was a small building set up in their garden. 

“It used to be a guest home,” Arthur said.

“Cause you didn’t have enough rooms in your mansion?” Merlin asked.

Arthur laughed and shrugged, but he turned a perfect shade of pink that Merlin found too fucking adorable for words. He loved that Arthur disregarded his obvious wealth, and was somewhat embarrassed by it even, it made him more approachable--someone Merlin could be with without feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. 

Arthur was simply Arthur. Fucking gorgeous, but still rather a bit of an awkward doofus too.

Merlin smiled at him instead of teasing him more.

When they got inside Arthur showed him around, not that there was a lot to see, but Merlin was rather fascinated by all of the works in progress Arthur had scattered around. Though Merlin hadn’t the first clue about woodworking or furniture he could clearly see that Arthur was very obviously talented. Everything was beautiful, so intricately carved and put together. 

Arthur handed Merlin one of the mugs and asked him if he wouldn’t mind keeping him company while he worked. Merlin readily agreed.

He sat down and curled himself up in a rocking chair that was sitting in the corner to watch Arthur work. He started sanding something down, whittling at the wood and carving it down to a smooth curve. Merlin watched his hands as they smoothed across the wood checking for splinters and God only knew what else. 

They talked a bit as Arthur worked, but mostly they were quiet. Being with Arthur while he worked was peaceful. It reminded Merlin of sitting next to his mother as she painted and he read, or did nothing at all but watch her. She had never minded the attention while she worked, and Arthur didn’t appear to either. There was such a calm to them both; their creativity and artistry was clearly vibrating beneath their skin, in their hands, the way beauty just burst out of them, but neither one seemed frantic. Merlin never got anything other than a sense of ease and patience from his mother as she let the inspiration run through her, and Arthur appeared to be the same. What Arthur did was far from what Merlin’s mother had done, but he was definitely an artist just the same.

Merlin looked around Arthur’s workshop with curiosity. Everything fascinated him. He had this intense need to know things about Arthur. There were times he thought he’d be content to just sit and listen to Arthur list his favorite color, food, season--it didn’t matter--Merlin wanted to know. He’d never been so curious before, where it ate at him like a hunger. 

There were pieces around the large room in various stages of completion, some he could tell what they would become, others were already there. The few things that were still mysteries intrigued Merlin the most. 

“What’s that?” Merlin asked as he pointed his mug of tea in the direction of a pile along the wall opposite him. It looked like thorny vines twisted around themselves. 

Arthur looked up at him. “Headboard.”

“It’s beautiful,” Merlin said.

“Thanks.” Arthur smiled at him and looked so pleased that Merlin smiled back.

“Though the vines would give me nightmares, I think. Getting trapped and all of that.”

“Someone commissioned it. They’re doing some sort of twisted fairy tale theme. I’m not sure if they’re aware it’s going to put their child into therapy.”

Merlin laughed quietly then took a drink of his tea. “Some people ought to have to get a license to have kids. Go through some sort of testing process.”

“Isn’t that the truth.”

“My mum was lovely though,” Merlin said. “I was lucky.”

Arthur stopped what he was doing and leaned his hip against his work table. He always looked at Merlin like he had all the time in the world to listen to him. It was disconcerting in a way. Merlin had never really been the focus of such intense attention that often, he didn’t know how to handle it other than to blush and stammer. 

“I can picture your mum being lovely,” Arthur said. “She raised you, didn’t she?”

Merlin laughed nervously to cover up his embarrassment. “Yeah, well, flattery will get you everywhere they say.”

“It’s not flattery when it’s true,” Arthur said offhandedly as he started brushing the sawdust off the table. 

Merlin was amazed by people like Arthur who could so carelessly, easily give away compliments that were actually _sincere_. So many people did the whole blase, false compliment kiss-up thing that when a genuine person like Arthur came along it was a bit of a shock to the system. Merlin was torn between sort of hating and being in awe of Arthur’s ease; his ease within himself, and his ease within the world. 

“Yeah. Well.” Merlin shrugged, unsure of how to respond. 

Arthur smiled at him like he knew Merlin was confounded by the situation.

“My father was complicated,” Arthur said. “Or at least I always thought so. Turns out though, in the end, he was anything but if you knew where he was coming from.”

“How so?”

“All my life I always thought he wanted me to be perfect, to follow the path he’d paved for me. And like I told you on Christmas Eve, I tried; to be perfect, to be exactly like him, and I was miserable. All I wanted to do was this,” Arthur said as he waved a hand around him at his workshop. “We were always clashing, always out of sorts with one another.”

“What happened?”

“He got sick. And we had the obligatory deathbed epiphany.” 

“What was it?”

“One day, towards the end, he just asked me why it was I was always fighting so hard to be unhappy and I swear, I could’ve hit him then.” Arthur laughed. “I could have bloody punched him in the face. I just went off, poured out every imagined slight and resentment and grief I’d had with him. When I finally shut up he calmly asked me if I was finished and when I said I was he told me that all he’d ever wanted me to be was happy. Again, ugh -”

“Punch to the face?” Merlin asked.

“Yes!” Arthur grinned at him. “So much face punching. But I reined it in and asked him why he never told me that, and do you know what he said?”

“What?”

“That he didn’t know how. His own father had been a harsh man, and he just never - Well, I don’t know. He just wasn’t very demonstrative. He was always so taciturn, aloof, and I always took that as him being disapproving or unhappy with me when really he just didn’t know what to say so he said nothing at all. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine not knowing how to tell someone you want them to be happy?”

Arthur didn’t seem to want an answer but Merlin shook his head no anyway.

“It seems like such an easy thing to do. Like right now, with you, I don’t know how to wrap my head around this out-of-the-blue engagement you have going on with Gwaine, but I can tell you, quite easily, that I want you to be happy. More than anything. And it wasn’t hard to say. How can it be hard to wish happiness onto those you love and care about?”

Merlin’s throat tightened at Arthur’s words, and his heart started to beat like mad. He knew Arthur hadn’t meant that he _loved_ him, just that he cared for him, but Arthur couldn’t possibly know just how much it meant to Merlin to have someone care for him, to look out for him and be concerned for his happiness. He’d been lonely for so long that he forgot what it was to feel such comfort in another person, to feel like you’re home and that you belong.

Arthur shrugged. “But people are complicated. Sometimes in ways we’ll never understand, and sometimes in ways that are really easy to unravel if we’d only take the time.”

Arthur looked at Merlin then, and he didn’t know what Arthur saw in his face. Merlin suspected he looked as confused as hell because Arthur just shook his head and sort of laughed at himself.

“It wasn’t really the most thrilling of epiphanies, but it made things between my dad and I make sense so at least we had that.”

Merlin gripped his mug in his hands as he watched Arthur. There was an awkwardness to the moment but Arthur somehow seemed to brush it off and Merlin felt relaxed himself. He didn’t know how Arthur did it. Merlin wanted to say something stupid, like thank you, but he knew it wouldn’t sound the way he wanted it to and it would be more confusing than anything. How do you even thank someone for just being themselves?

“So, what are you working on now?” Merlin said instead as he nodded at Arthur’s worktable.

“Table and chairs.” Arthur smiled as he ran his hand along the piece of wood laid out on the table. “It’s going to be massive. They want it to seat twelve. Where do you even put something like that?”

Arthur shook his head in wonder at the notion as Merlin shrugged. He ate in front of the telly, he didn’t even have enough room in his flat for a proper table. 

Arthur went back to work and Merlin went back to watching him. After a few minutes Merlin found himself lulled to a level of stupidity that allowed him to blurt out to Arthur.

“You’re like Woodworking Ken.”

Arthur laughed. “Woodworking Ken?”

“Yeah, you know, like the Barbie dolls. You’re all perfect and blond and you.” Merlin sort of waved his mug at Arthur and wished the floor would open up and swallow him to spare him from further embarrassment.

But instead of teasing Merlin for his ridiculous comment Arthur blushed. Merlin had no idea why, he was probably embarrassed on Merlin’s behalf for being a complete idiot. Merlin opened his mouth to try to brush off the comment but before he could Arthur blurted out:

“Why are you with Gwaine?”

“Huh?”

If it was possible Arthur turned even more red. “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

Merlin got up from his chair and walked over to Arthur. “No.”

“It was stupid,” Arthur said. “I didn’t mean to say it like that. It’s not that I don’t think you belong together or anything, it’s just - “

“What?” Merlin asked quietly.

“Gwaine’s one of my best mates, but he’s flighty as fuck. He never stays with anyone longer than a week and you seem like - “ 

Arthur stopped and looked at Merlin, stared him straight in the eyes, and Merlin felt very much like he was looking inside of him. That he was seeing every insecurity, every terrible thing about him, and it made Merlin feel naked. Exposed. But strangely thrilled too that Arthur could so clearly see him-- _wanted_ to see him.

“You seem like you want so much more. You’re home and family and forever, and Gwaine just doesn’t do that. He’s never done. The only person I ever thought he _could_ do that with was - “

Percival. Merlin wanted to finish Arthur’s sentence for him.

“But never mind that,” Arthur continued. “I don’t want you to get hurt is all. You’re so - “

Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hand and the shock of it jolted through him. He knew he should pull his hand away from Arthur’s, but he only wrapped his fingers around Arthur’s hand and held on.

“I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“I won’t be,” Merlin said. 

Because it was the truth. Gwaine being flighty or in love with Percival or never ever seeing him the way he had always thought he wanted Gwaine to see him didn’t matter anymore. Gwaine was a silly crush that got him into this whole ridiculous mess, but he was just a crush. Merlin didn’t know him, not at all, and definitely not the way he thought he was beginning to know Arthur.

Not the way he thought he might like to know Arthur forever. 

Merlin realised how closely they were standing when he felt the ghost of Arthur’s breath against his cheek. He wasn’t sure who leaned first, but lean they did, and then his mouth was against Arthur’s. The breath he hadn’t realised he was holding broke free in a rush and he was kissing Arthur, relieved that it felt as right as he’d hoped it would. 

He felt Arthur’s other hand at his hip, his fingers curling into Merlin...and then they were gone.

And so was Arthur’s mouth.

“Oh fuck. Fuck fuck _fuck_ ,” Arthur gasped. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to -”

“It’s alright, really. I’m not with -”

“Fuck,” Arthur said again as he interrupted Merlin. “I’m such an arsehole. I’ve - I’ve got to go. I’ll go now. Please don’t hate me. I know it was my fault, but just - don’t. Please.”

Arthur rushed out of his workshop, just like Percival had done the day before at the hospital, but this time Merlin wasn’t letting him get away.

“Arthur wait!” Merlin shouted after Arthur as he followed him.

“No, Merlin. Just don’t. I’m fucking embarrassed enough already, don’t excuse or forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. Let me explain - “

They were back at the door leading into the house. Merlin was in the doorway trying to push his way past Arthur who was doing a really fucking amazing job of impersonating a giant brick wall.

“I’m not with Gwaine,” Merlin said. Blurted, actually. He didn’t know how else he could stop Arthur from trying to apologise and get away from him. 

“What?”

“I’m not with Gwaine. I’m not his fiance. I lied.”

“Why would you do that?”

Arthur looked absolutely stunned, and Merlin didn’t blame him of course. How does one react to a crazy person?

“I work in a coffee kiosk at the train station Gwaine uses, the one where he was mugged. I see him all the time, he buys coffee from me, and I, uh, I -” Merlin paused, embarrassed as fuck but in for a penny, in for a pound. “I had a crush on him and, ah, when he got mugged I rode with him to the hospital. They wouldn’t let me see him. I wasn’t family -”

“So you lied,” Arthur said quietly.

“Yes.”

“And you kept lying.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” 

“Why? How could you do that to us? I liked you -” Arthur stopped, caught himself. “And I felt horrible because I liked you in a way I shouldn’t, and you were lying the whole time.”

“I was going to tell them in the hospital but then they invited me to Christmas Eve dinner and I didn’t have anyone, I -”

“What?” Arthur asked quietly.

“I was tired of being alone, alright? I was lonely and I didn’t want to be, I wanted to be part of a family. And you were all so kind, and strange and wonderful, which makes it all worse--I know. I just - I had a family for a night. I was going to say something then too, but then there was you. You walked with me, and talked, and it was just so -” Merlin could feel his eyes stinging, and his throat was already tight. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to say anything more so ended up with the entirely inferior, “Nice.”

Arthur just stared at him. Merlin wasn’t sure what was going through Arthur’s mind, he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to know. He just knew he wanted to be gone--away from Arthur and his disappointment. 

“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered, angry at the tear he could feel on his cheek. He’d hoped he could get away without Arthur seeing that. 

“Merlin -”

“I’ve got to go.” Merlin interrupted before Arthur could say anything more. “Just--just tell everyone thank you for letting me be a part of you all, even for just a little while. And tell them I’m sorry, and that I never meant to lie. To any of them.”

Merlin thought he heard Arthur say his name again but he was already turned around and nearly running away from him. He didn’t think he could bear more of Arthur’s disappointment.

~*~

When Merlin wasn’t at work he did a really excellent job of becoming the hermit he always knew he was destined to be. Getting out of bed, showering, and being a productive human being were completely overrated.

And he was studiously ignoring his phone. 

He knew it was loaded with texts and voicemails, because Elena and Morgana and all the rest of them weren’t the types to let things go. And he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to know how angry they were with him, and how much he had let them down. 

He’d rather just hide under the covers and pretend like the world disappeared. 

After a week of being pathetic and ignoring his phone Elena showed up at his door. When Merlin heard her voice calling out to him he wanted to go diving out his bedroom window to avoid her. 

“I know you’re in there. Unlike your phone I don’t have a mute button--even though Mithian always says she wished I did. Rude, right? I think I’m pretty damn fascinating.” 

Merlin found himself halfway smiling at that, he couldn’t help himself, but he still didn’t want to go to the door and actually face her.

“Merlin, let me in. I’ll cause a ruckus in your hallway and you’ll have to move from the shame of it.”

Merlin didn’t answer her and the banging on his door continued.

“I’m serious. Huge, embarrassing ruckus.”

Merlin got up off the couch and walked over to the door, but still didn’t say anything.

“Merlinnn. Come on.”

“I don’t care,” Merlin found himself saying. “I don’t mind moving.”

“Yes you do, now open the door you frustrating dick.”

Merlin pressed his forehead against the door. “I can’t. I’m too embarrassed.”

He thought he heard Elena sigh. 

“Merlin.”

“I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

“Fine.” Elena paused and Merlin hoped she’d given up, but he wasn’t that lucky. “I’m going to talk to you through the door then, and you’re going to listen. Do that for me, at least?”

Merlin leaned his shoulder against the door and whispered. “Okay.”

“So, here’s the thing,” Elena said. “Gwaine woke up, lazy bastard, took him five days. But I thought you’d like to know he’s fine, no worse for wear. He wasn’t the brightest bulb anyway so a knock to the head didn’t cause much damage.”

Merlin smiled. 

“First person he asked for was Perce, which was kind of perfect. I think there was a coma-induced revelation somewhere along the way cause Perce has always been balls up in love with the twat, and Gwaine would be just as bad if he ever managed to get over his massive delusion that he’s God’s gift and needs to spread his sperm far and wide. Honestly, the most commitment-phobe moron in the world and he has the best guy ever in love with him if only he’d grow the fuck up.”

“I’m glad he’s okay.”

“He’s more than okay. Back to abnormal, I’d say, except making more googly eyes at Perce than usual. I will give the world’s most embarrassing drunken speech at their wedding -”

Merlin laughed.

“Ha, gotcha,” Elena said and Merlin could hear the smile in her voice.

“Just a little.”

“Whatever. So anyway, we told Gwaine the whole thing--which he thought was hilarious, cause he’s a moron--so he’s cool with it. Perce is okay too, really. He’s just happy Gwaine isn’t engaged to someone other than him. Mith and I forgive you too, if you were wondering. I mean it was a really stupid thing to do, but we get it. It’s hard to be lonely. I was lonely a lot, too, before all of them.”

“I didn’t know -” 

“Yeah, well, you ran off before you could find out.”

“I didn’t want to face the rest of you. Facing Arthur was horrible enough.”

“He’s not mad at you, you know.”

“I doubt that.”

“He’s not.”

“I lied to him, to all of you, but to him -” Merlin didn’t know how to explain why it mattered more with Arthur. 

“But Arthur was different,” Elena said. “Good. He should be, cause you’re different to him too.”

“That doesn’t make any sense at all.”

“It makes perfect sense, and you know it.”

Merlin closed his eyes. It did. The two of them, they could have been different together, if he hadn’t fucked it all up.

“He doesn’t hate you.” Elena continued. “None of us do. Well, maybe not Morgana--and Leon by extension if he ever wants to have sex again--but that’s only because she thinks you broke Arthur. I honestly wouldn’t put it past her to stab someone in the face if they hurt Arthur, but she’s got mental issues--as I’m sure you’re well aware.”

Merlin laughed. “She’s not that bad.”

“Say that again when you’ve got a knife stuck in your eye socket.”

“Gross.”

“The Pendragon’s love pretty violently; but they love fiercely and loyally, and pretty fucking stubbornly too. I’m not sure there’s much of anything you can do to get them to stop, actually. You’re pretty much stuck with the twats for life, which is scary as hell, but kind of brilliant and amazing too.”

Merlin heard Elena sigh again. He wanted to say something, but his heart was thumping in his chest and he didn’t know if he could. 

“Anyway,” she said. “I just wanted you to know that.”

“Thanks.” Merlin managed to squeeze the one word past the tightness in his throat.

“Welcome,” Elena said. “See you around, Merlin.”

“Bye, Elena.”

It took Merlin a few seconds to say it, and he wasn’t sure if she actually heard him, but he added a quiet, _’Thank you,’_ as well. Elena had given him something he hadn’t allowed himself to think about.

She’d given him hope.

~*~

“Small coffee. Black, please.”

Merlin felt a shiver work it’s way down his spine at the familiar sound of Arthur’s voice. When he looked up he almost started laughing because not only was Arthur there, but so was everyone else. 

Gwaine, Percival, Elena, Mithian, Morgana, and Leon were all crowded around Arthur and staring at Merlin. 

“Coming right up, sir,” Merlin said as formally as he could.

Merlin turned away from them for a few seconds to pour Arthur’s coffee but he could hear Arthur telling Mithian to stop pushing him and Merlin grinned to himself.

“Your coffee, sir,” Merlin said as he set it down on the counter in front of Arthur. “That’ll be one-fifty.”

“You know,” Arthur said as he pulled out his wallet and started digging inside for cash. “I had a thought.”

“I hope it didn’t hurt.”

Merlin smiled when he heard Morgana let out a snort.

“Funny, Merlin,” Arthur said. “But no, it did not hurt. At all. It was quite brilliant, actually.”

“It was? Are you sure?”

“Positively sure.”

“Well, lay it on me. I’m prepared to be amazed.”

Arthur rolled his eyes and Merlin wanted to kiss him so badly it physically hurt.

“I thought, hey, why not suggest to Merlin that he give it a go with a conscious man the next go around.”

“Conscious, huh.” Merlin bit his lip like he was thinking about it. “Never occurred to me, but I’m intrigued. Go on.”

“Well, since _I’m_ conscious, and sort of like you as well - “

“He’s dead gone on you,” Morgana interrupted.

“Go away,” Arthur said as he put his hand over Morgana’s face and pushed her back. “Since I’m conscious, and I like you a fair bit, I figured, eh, why not me?”

“Beautifully put, Arthur.” Merlin could hardly hold back his grin. He knew his face was already pink with heat and happiness.

“I thought so.”

“I’ve got a tissue if you need one,” Gwaine said helpfully. 

“Fucking hell,” Arthur said as he turned around and started pushing the whole lot of them back. “Leave off, you’re ruining my moment.”

“I think you’re doing that all on your own, mate,” Leon said. 

“Yeah, I agree,” Elena said. “I told you you should’ve started out with, _’Coffee and a shag, please.’_ but you wouldn’t listen.”

“Elena,” Arthur groaned.

“No, really, it works. That’s how I got Mith.”

Merlin laughed when Mithian shrugged. “It’s true. I love coffee, and I love shagging.”

“Go away,” Arthur said, and Merlin laughed even louder when Elena blew him a kiss and waved before actually doing so. Merlin waved back then leaned his elbows on the counter to wait for Arthur to come back.

“So,” Arthur said as he slapped his hands down on the counter in front of Merlin. “As I was saying -”

“Yes,” Merlin said before Arthur could go any further.

“Yes?”

“Yes. I think I’ll try a conscious man this time, and you’re as good as any, so -”

Arthur threw his head back and laughed at that; loud and carefree and Merlin reached across the counter to grab onto Arthur’s jacket and pull him forward into a kiss.

Arthur’s laughing mouth bumped into his and Merlin closed his eyes and let go.

And it all felt just a bit like a dream.

 

~End

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading. If you'd rather comment on livejournal you can do so [here](http://giselleslash.livejournal.com/410867.html).


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